I got asked to be in an Old Spice parody video at work for use in our first week of school variety show that the university puts on for our students each year. I’m the second one in the sequence. Enjoy.
And yes, feel free to make fun of me all you want for this… you won’t be the first.
10. It is the time of year when a man can wear that manliest of fabrics: flannel.
9. Fathers can continue the time-honored tradition of ordering their sons to rake leaves and put said leaves (in one of the most tedious and arduous tasks known to all of yardwork) in garbage bags before the wind kindly redistributes those carefully made piles back around the yard.
8. In a nod to cheapskate dads everywhere, you can turn off the air conditioner.
7. If there are manly colors, the colors of fall have to be it: Rust. Brown. Burnt Orange.
6. I’m gonna slip in a reason fall is not so manly: shorter days, longer nights. I can’t really find any logic there, but it just feels like the phrase uttered by dads and grandpas everywhere, ”You’re burnin’ daylight!”, has to fit in this item somewhere.
5. While I’m not a griller, I understand that most men are reluctant outside food preparers during the frigid months, so fall is the last time to bust out the Webber or the propane/propane accessories.
4. Few things are manlier than self-improvement, i.e. education, and in the U.S. anyway, fall signals the annual trek back to school. (Manliness note here: The scene on every college campus is the same: so many young bucks walking around, chests puffed out, trying to measure up each other. Another thought: The all-male dorm–a combination of testosterone and one upsmanship along with an absence of inhibition only exceeded by military barracks and locker rooms.)
3. Back when we grew our own food instead of purchasing it from people wearing vests and nametags, fall meant the harvest. Few things are manlier than planting, cultivating, and harvesting your own sustenance. And I should know–I’ve read at least one Michael Pollan book, plus I watch the Food Channel regularly.
2. For me, fall really starts with Labor Day, a day to celebrate work. But I like that it’s called “Labor Day” rather than “Work Day”. Labor has these really manly connotations to me–the image in my head usually involves denim overalls, a sledgehammer, lots of sweat, and a metal lunch pail.
1. Fall marks the beginning of football season, basketball season, hockey season, and the playing of the World Series. Tough to beat that combo. And no, I may not leave my couch for the next three months.
After a quiet morning of manly pursuits: updating the blog, making Chai Tea, picking out colorful socks, I smell like a man, a girly man, and that simply won’t do. So I use Old Spice Pure Sport Body Wash… while eating a plate of bacon nachos as I do 37,000 squat thrusts. I’m holding a saw. Badger hair shaving brush.
One-Day Oklahoma City Metro Water Fishing License: $3
New Heddon Torpedo Topwater Lure: $4.99
3 oz. bar of Dr. Dobbs’ Happy Camper Poison Ivy Soap: $6
Co-Pay for Steroid Shot at the Urgent Care Clinic: $30
Bottle of Calamine Lotion: $5.79
A manly evening of fishing where the only thing I catch is my lure in a tree and a wicked case of poison ivy: PRICELESS
Photo by Avi Revivo {http://revivo.co.il/blog}
For the purposes of this post, I am defining an old man as someone in his mid to late 80′s. When I’m an old man:
I realize it’s awful presumptuous for me to assume I’ll even live to see my 80′s. I’ve been to nursing homes before, and let’s be candid here… there are just not a lot of old 6’4″ dudes walking around those places. Being tall may have its perks, but when it comes to longevity of life, I think the short guys have the advantage. The term, “little old man” had to have come from somewhere, didn’t it? However, if I do happen to make to the glorious old age of 80 and beyond, these are just some of the amusing things I hope to be doing at that time. I will post a more serious list later in the week.
The obvious choice here is a spare tire and a hand jack. But that’s a given. We’re talking real men here… not your everyday run-of-the-mill AAA card-carrying average Joe. For the sake of argument, let’s assume every man already has these two essentials of the road stowed away in the trunk of his trusty rubber-footed steed. Where do we go from there?
Easy.
The two things every real man should have in the trunk of his car are:
and
Don’t be caught with your pants down on this one.
A real man never knows when time, chance, and good fortune might smile upon him and provide a group of friends, a little open space, and a few minutes to spare. This scenario is also known as: THE PERFECT STORM FOR HURLING MAN MADE PROJECTILES THROUGH THE AIR.
You could check the trunk of my car today and I would definitely fail this test. Sure, I’ve got a baseball glove, sunflower seeds, a catcher’s mit, a hack-saw, all seven Chronicles of Narnia books, a bath robe, and a badger hair shaving brush back there, but none of those have much inherent group entertainment value (except for maybe the sunflower seeds). However, when an opportunity presents itself to entertain a group of otherwise bored bystanders by hurling a projectile made of leather, plastic, or other recycled material through the air, a real man is ready.
It is my goal to rectify this situation and be in compliance with this newly inked axiom of manhood by the end of the weekend. I hope you’ll do the same. Feel free to test me on Monday.
