Stormin' Norman at His Stormiest

I consider myself a really good nickname-giver. Not every nickname I give to people sticks, but a lot do, and if they don’t, it’s not the fault of the nickname, you can be assured.

I’ve had some nicknames over the years. First was a childhood one I will not repeat so as to salvage my dignity. Second was pretty standard, “Dave” for David. I went by that for most of high school. Third was “Drobe”, my college nickname, pronounced Dee-Robe (I was not a streaker, if that’s what you’re thinking).

Thing is, I didn’t really like “Dave”, but I never said anything. Then in college I was given the moniker “Drobe” before anybody had a chance to throw out Dave. So it’s kind of strange that I give such awesome nicknames since I haven’t liked 2/3 of mine.

So on to my giving nicknames: The best ones are organic, of course. But in my opinion, it takes too long for a circumstance to emerge to give everyone a nickname when they need one. Someone like me has to step in to give a nickname. And Real Men need nicknames.

Real Men need nicknames because they have the following advantages:

• Brevity. Why say two syllables when one could suffice? Joseph = Joe; Henry = Hank; Phillip = Phil; Bartholomew = Bart
• Sound. One of the nickname wells I got to a lot is the initials. Some pairs of letters just sing along, like L.C., J.R., D.J. However, some combinations just don’t cut it: M.R., Q.Y., S.N. Plus, all first names which start with a letter ending in the “ee” sound (B, C, D, G, P, T, etc.) can preface the word “money” for an awesome nickname. Derrick turns to D-Money, Thomas turns to T-Money.
• Personality/Ability. The best nicknames convey part of your identity, not just appearance or sound. Take George Herman Ruth: The Babe, Sultan of Swat, Great Bambino, King of Clout, Colossus of Crash.
• Irony. It’s so awesome to call a heavy guy “Slim” and a tall guy “Shorty”. I’m also for obvious, non-ironic nicknames, too, like “Doc” for a doctor and “Einstein” for a smart guy.
• Buddy-ness. I did just make up a word, but it’s a necessary combination of the concepts of male affection, unity, familiarity, comfort, and a host of other ideas I can’t manage to articulate at this particular moment. But I trust you will get the point. The idea connecting buddy-ness to nicknames is that a man is tight with his homies.

So I encourage all the dudes out there to give nicknames and to find one for yourself. If you need help, just let me know.

There is a cardinal rule for nicknames which says you can’t give one to yourself, but you can sure drop some hints. Also, don’t be afraid to refuse a nickname. I don’t like “Dave”, Michael doesn’t like “Mike”…but he’ll take Miguelito (at least from me he will).

Nicknames are fun and useful, and lots of good and great men before us (Stormin’ Norman Schwarczkopf, Orel “Bulldog” Hershiser) have had some good ones. With that criteria (fun, useful, traditional), nicknames seem to fit Real Men pretty well.

Do you have a nickname? Have you ever refused one? Tell us about your nicknames in the comments!